I simply made the comment that I needed a haircut. I have for a good number of months already, but since I rarely leave my home, would need a babysitter, and the cheapest ones are a $40 minimum here already, it just isn't on my priority list. I mean, who is going to see it? My husband, my kids, my mother, and my doctor. They really don't care much about my hair, luckily. But, I am human and I am a woman. I don't WANT to look like a slob, I just don't have the energy and money to make up for the physical lot dealt to me through illness right now.
But, I went ahead and googled short haircuts trying to find a picture of my favorite haircut style I've had in the past (like, 13 years ago). I found something close. An angled bob, though I like mine at a steeper angle and much, much shorter. I don't have enough hair on the top to cut the angle now, so this style isn't an option at the moment.
We even joked about colors...pink, purple, blue. I'm crazy enough, I would totally do that at some point if I had a decent haircut to go with it and it didn't cost a fortune. lol
Anyway, my friends suggested pixie cuts and I started actively looking for a hairstyle that would look good on me. In my search, all the pictures were of actresses, singers, models, etc. I don't look like them, so seeing a haircut on them doesn't do me much good in picking out something that would look good on me! So, I started looking at face shapes. I'm so overweight I assumed I'm round, but I snapped a quick picture of me, and even still I'm more of an oval shape. So, I started looking up the kinds of haircuts that are best for that shape.
It wasn't too helpful, honestly. I don't want a boy cut. I have a small head on a huge body, so it just makes me look like a pinhead. And I wouldn't mind some femininity, even if it is more edgy. Most of the styles required a goodly quantity of hair...and many required some length. I have neither.
Whether due to the hashimotos thyroiditis (autoimmune hypothyroidism), the Cushing's Disease, or the AGHD, I have lost a huge quantity of my hair over the years and it is not yet improving. It is VERY thin on top. **SIDE TRACK!!! I TOTALLY have a funny to tell on myself! At my first appointment with my endocrinologist, we were going through my list of symptoms, and he switched to a new symptom asking "You look pretty thin on top?" and my brain simply didn't follow. All that came to me was, "Are you kidding? I have to special order these bras!" Luckily I just sat there with my mouth gaping open, staring at him, as my brain thought those things in silence...and eventually caught up. PHEW! SIDE TRACK OVER** I'm blonde and you can see through to my scalp. Rain doesn't hit my hair, it hits my scalp. I can't use clips because I don't have enough hair to hold them in. I can't wear extensions or a weave because I have nothing to cover it up or "weave" it into. This cuts out a great many styles, because I literally don't have the hair required. (I do have an AWESOME wig, but I have heat intolerance and thus sweat and feel ill...well and extreme exhaustion too, so..)
And, I can't grow it long because it makes me look creepy, really creepy, and almost mullet-ish. My husband would certainly draw a line there, no matter how much comedic effect it would have if I walked around with a mullet! HA HA HA!
So, I started googling things like "haircuts for balding women", "haircuts for thin hair" (these women ALL had sufficient hair, it just wasn't thick...so not the same thing), "pixie cuts on fat women", "haircuts for fat women", etc. Don't start mixing up google image searches of "fat and bald women haircuts" unless you're super brave. I was shocked at the things that popped up. Most of it was completely unrelated to my search topics, most hair related photos were STILL skinny actresses and models, and some things were horribly derogatory towards fat women. Maybe I should have used the word "obese" or "plump" or "round", but really? I currently have a fat body. That is the fact of the matter. I might generally use other language when talking to people unless I know them well, but let's get to the point with google, right? So much for that.
About an hour into searching, I gave up. It was getting too depressing. It was all in fun, supposedly innocuous (or so I had thought), I was getting excited looking at ideas and thinking a new haircut could help me feel a bit more confident, feel a bit better about myself right now, have some form of expression and control, but that just isn't my reality now. I had to stop before I let this bring me into deeper emotions that I have to be careful not to dwell on in my current state.
Is this a bit vain and silly? Probably. Is it minor? Definitely. But, it brought me right back down that rabbit hole, reminding me of what my illness has done to me, my limitations, my inability to change it at present, the "me" the world sees on the outside that is so different from who I am on the inside, my desire to express myself with little means of doing so, and it reminds me that wishing it were different isn't enough to make it so. Don't get me wrong...Not being able to get a good haircut that makes me look and feel great is NOT the end of the world. What makes it so hard is that it reminds me I have no control over my world, and that my world appears so vastly different from the world in which those around me appear to live.
My doctor asks me how I'm doing emotionally at every visit. And I try to tell her. I'm actually doing REALLY well. I've been depressed before. I know what that spiral feels like and this is not it. I am somewhere between accepting of my situation and apathetic, but I AM happy, I enjoy what I can in life right now (though comparatively limited), and I have hope for my future. But the depressive sadness still hits like a sudden downpour, I can't just "will" it not to pop up in my life, and I never seem to know what'll trigger it. It is momentary now, but I can't seem to avoid it. I believe it is completely normal, surely even common for people with debilitating and chronic illness, so that is why I write this...to let others know it's okay talk about it if you need to. It's okay to admit you don't simply "move on" as if there was no life besides the one you live now. We don't have to always hide our hurts, worries, fears, and struggles. Acceptance and overcoming require an acknowledgement...but the trick lies in not staying in that downpour and letting it pass.
*Medical discussion* I am severely overweight thanks to long-term undiagnosed Cyclic Cushing's Disease. It appears I am now in remission from that (just seeing some signs of change in the last few months), but the pituitary surgery required to remove the tumor causing the disease also left me susceptible to other issues...some of which have surfaced (partially empty sella and hypopituitarism). I now have adult growth hormone deficiency (AGHD), which also leads to extreme exhaustion, muscle loss, bone loss, central weight gain, sleep problems, cognitive/memory issues, etc. It's so similar, the biggest difference is that I simply don't get "high cycles" any more (there's more than that, but that is the biggest one I notice now). We are on the path to fix that, but it takes time. I had a couple of months of testing, and now am waiting for my insurance company to pre-approve the $1500/mo daily injections required to replace this very useful hormone I no longer can make on my own. So, hopefully I'll see some improvements over the next few months when that is approved and I can start getting my body back into balance, but I am told to expect the recovery to be a slow process. And there is a decent chance this won't be the only hormone my pituitary will stop being able to produce on it's own. If that happens, I'll have to do more testing and add that hormone's replacement, then work through re-balancing it all again. Only time and testing and symptoms will tell. Hopefully this is it, and fixing this imbalance will make me good to go! (And this isn't the depressing part...this is just what is; I've accepted it, I'm happy it is treatable and I have a good chance at regaining control of my body and my life!)
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