I started writing up a bit of my story because I joined a new support group, and realized it was far too long for an introduction. I decided I would paste it into a document and work on finishing it as my story for the Cushing's-Help website's patient bio's. I'm not sure I'm done...I should probably add my symptoms list for others to be able to relate to themselves, but here is what I've written thus far this afternoon:
I've had random symptoms off and on for years (almost two decades now, from about the age of 15) but didn't realize they were related to illness, or that I had one overarching disease causing them all.
Looking back, the onset of my disease was in my teen years. I gained more than 60lbs in roughly a
year's time without changing diet or activity level. I developed stretch marks that ran from my knees
to my elbows (and everywhere in between!). I started losing my once-thick hair. I developed horrible acne. I went from being an early morning riser to staying up late at night because I was wide awake, and waking often throughout the night. I went from being happy overall to being anxious and depressed for no apparently reason (and medication had no effect on it either). I was told it was either all in my head or all my fault (by varying people, some directly, some implied it) and I internalized that and just assumed I was too lazy and had bad genetics... I TRIED to exercise but would feel so sick afterwards that I couldn't make any gains, I joined a gym and put myself on a diet in high school but none of it made any difference. When I brought up my symptoms to doctors, they could never put it together, often blamed me for them (Just diet and exercise and it'll go away), and sometimes treated me like I was just plain crazy. I still don't go to doctors unless I have to because of those experiences.
After getting married, I had had some complicated pregnancies...but it was more than that. I would get flank pain and drop into "lows" that I didn't understand, complete with feeling cold, diarrhea,
weakness, exhaustion, nausea, loss of appetite, and extreme weight loss (muscle loss, more like it). I
had high cardiac output but low blood pressure and a high pulse rate. I'd go into tachycardia for NO
apparent reason and had all kinds of cardiac monitoring done. My blood pressure was labile, but usually low, and still I'd end up with severe complications. Breastfeeding wasn't going well despite the "mechanics" and flow being there...my babies were never satisfied and I always felt sickly. The
differences were drastic (but a bit graphic to share here publicly). I seemed to get pregnant at the
drop of a hat, but my body seemed unable to deliver on it's own. My body just didn't react like it
should to anything. I even once had an episode post-partum that now I know was likely somewhere between adrenal insufficiency and adrenal crisis. I was left alone to sleep it off (just thinking about it now scares me), but I didn't know any better at the time.
Then about 3-4 years ago I hit this point where I just had the feeling that if I didn't get whatever was
going on under control, I'd end up with something more permanent and dangerous (like cancer or
diabetes). I still got seemingly random symptoms but I had too many of them, and they were getting
worse. I also started to notice that my good days and bad days seemed to come in cycles. 3 days, 3
weeks...I'd be good for a while, then worse for a while, then good for a while. I had already eaten
"clean" and kept myself active, so I decided to try "nutritional balancing therapy" and started taking a
karate class multiple times a week (burns TONS of calories, fyi). They ran some tests for various
vitamins/minerals, and said I had adrenal insufficiency. The diet I was put on was a higher fat (good
fat), higher protein, TONS of veggies diet (basically we just cut out my grains/starches and added in
more fat) but between the diet and the exercise, I became so ill I couldn't get off the couch for about
4 weeks. I had to give up both and it took some time to recover, but I never got back to where I had
been, not even close.
I started studying adrenal fatigue and came to the realization that I had done everything to correct AF
but was still going downhill. I obviously needed outside help. I had tried supplements, diet (years of
it), everything. I became pregnant unexpectedly and was active, even tap-dancing with a major part in a musical at 20 weeks pregnant. I would have these ups and downs that seemed random, but when I finished the musical, I hit a new low and never seemed to come back from it. I just became more and more exhausted. To the point that certain days I could *feel* the energy it took to hold my head up to watch a movie with my kids. The CNM and OB both said I was just depressed and upped my dose of Vitamin D. They wanted me to go on antidepressants, and I refused. I knew the difference between not wanting to do things and not being able to do them. I called a doctor that specialized in Adrenal Fatigue in California after having read through his website, and he basically said that I would continue to get worse, but that he wouldn't treat me because of my pregnancy. No help, no suggestions, just "come see me if you make it out alive" basically.
I had joined an Addison's support group online, and they helped me learn a lot about AI and Addison's, about symptoms, testing, about Hashimoto's, etc. I am SO grateful to these women who supported me and taught me much. They never questioned if I was just depressed or if I was really sick, and they were so kind they WERE the sanity that I needed so desperately. I was getting nowhere with local doctors, my husband believed me and was as helpful as he could be, but it was taking a big toll on us, and when we asked for help from our local church leaders with cleaning our home because I no longer could do it (and my husband was so overwhelmed doing everything by himself), we were threatened as a family and refused help. I was desperate; I was hurting. My whole family was struggling because of this disease and the treatment (and lack thereof) we'd received from doctors and so-called friends.
These Addisonians had been talking a lot about one specific endocrinologist that specializes in
pituitary disorders (Dr. F). In complete desperation, I emailed him, knowing the chances that he'd take me or that I could even get in to see him before delivery (due to travel restriction based on gestation) was unlikely. But I was scared of what a delivery with untreated Addison's might bring (I knew the stats and knew I didn't trust the local OB), so I emailed explaining my situation and sent my current lab work (I had to go to my GP because my OB wouldn't even test my thyroid or iron!). I knew it sometimes took weeks to get a response or get in to see this doctor 3 states away, but I sent the email on February 8th, and heard back via email that same night from his office lady. She was sure he could help me, and suggested I schedule an appointment right away, and was waiting to hear back from him directly. He responded that he did see something amiss in my lab work, and I was scheduled for an appointment and buying plane tickets. My appointment was on Valentine's evening and a friend flew with me because I was too weak to do it alone, and because my brain was too foggy to feel comfortable understanding and responding to everything in the appointment, not to mention I was super pregnant with my 6th child!
I went in SURE I had Addison's Disease, or at least a form of adrenal insufficiency, and even tried to argue that fact. I came out with a LOT of testing for Cushing's Disease. It was, in fact, the low cortisol periods that I was noticing, but it was being caused by periods of high cortisol. You see, the cortisol takes a big toll on your body and overrides the normal feedback system of your pituitary and adrenal glands. While the tumor is actively pumping out ACTH, it can shut down your own pituitary's normal production because the pituitary feedback says there is already too much cortisol in your system. Then, if/when the tumor "kicks off" (who knows why they do this), your pituitary is in a lazy state from not having been working and it can take a while for it to kick back in. This can bring life-threatening lows, but generally it just brings low-cortisol symptoms which are still uncomfortable.
I was unprepared for the change in direction at my appointment. I had the right system and hormones, but I was looking at it backwards, and the more I learned about cyclic Cushing's Disease, the more sense it made, the more things clicked together, and the more I understood about my past and present symptoms. I have cyclic Cushing's Disease. I had read up a little on this about 10 years prior, when my mother-in-law had died from untreated Cushing's (she refused treatment and was a stubborn, intelligent women who got her way). I had read through some information then, with my husband. We had concluded that it was a possibility, but I didn't have enough of the symptoms (maybe half?) and decided that I wasn't nearly sick enough for that to be the problem. How wrong we were! I certainly wasn't as bad as many, but I found that the downhill turns were often sudden and drastic, especially in the more recent years.
At my appointment I was also told I had hypothyroidism. He ordered more of those tests (to get a trend) and an antibody test. I had Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (an autoimmune thyroid disease) and was put on thyroid medication. My ferritin level (stored iron) was so low it was in single digits (he wants it around 60) and he said that had I not been flying home the next morning, he'd have had me in the hospital for IV iron infusions. Needless to say, I was put on iron --lots of it. My vitamin D was still lower than he'd like, despite having been on treatment, so he switched me to 50K iu's of D3 weekly (My OB had chastised me repeatedly for taking D3 instead of D2; Ha ha!).
I had to wait for a while after my pregnancy to allow my body to normalize before doing my testing. I first tested by date (randomly, basically) and got a few marginal highs, but mostly normal test results. My pituitary MRI was read clean. Dr. F told me he didn't know what was wrong, but that it didn't look like it was Cushing's because of the testing. I was not prepared for that, and just ended the conversation. I was emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted and didn't plead my case. I didn't have the money to test more, even though I was pretty sure I needed it. And looking back, had I asked, he probably would have obliged.
I decided to again try natural healing methods. Nothing worked, and some things (extended juice fasting, for instance) actually made me much worse. Every time I hit another "low", it seemed to become my new normal...and that was scary. I kept losing more energy and strength, more of my mental ability, and each time I couldn't imagine it getting worse, yet it always did. (I still haven't learned this lesson!)
About a year later, after a lot of prayer and thinking, after I'd exhausted most natural treatment
methodologies I felt willing to try, I realized I did indeed need to go back and push for further
testing, and test by symptoms. Mentally and emotionally I was in a much better place, and while I had recovered a bit after my delivery, I had started to again slide downhill despite my best efforts.
I emailed Dr. F to ask about further testing, this time by symptoms, and there was no pushing or
arguing necessary! He gave me more sensitive testing this go round, and told me to test as much as it took. He believed me! It was as if the way just opened up for me this time. I was uninsured, but I applied for the Cushing's Assistance program through NORD (The National Organization for Rare Disorders) and was accepted. They offered to cover the costs of testing, doctor's appointments, and travel needed for the same, that would lead to a diagnosis of Cushing's Disease. I was in public when my husband called and read me the letter, and I started bawling right then and there in the shopping isle. It was an answer to a prayer I didn't even think to voice. I then called to share the news with family and friends and bawled again, scaring yet more customers!
Tracking my symptoms wasn't a very easy task. I went totally OCD on them, and still I was only somewhat successful in my efforts. I could get the overall trend, but the day-to-day was confusing as all-get-out. My testing was also complicated by living in Alaska. I could only turn in tests 4 days a week because they had to fly out to the labs in Seattle, WA and beyond. It took about a month to get each result back. Add to that a head cold that killed my cortisol levels for 6 weeks, and it took me a few months to get sufficient high labs even with my 2-page-wide spreadsheet of symptom data.
In that time, I also made friends on the Cushing's-Help website and Facebook groups. I learned a LOT of things from them, and one friend in particular likes to "read" pituitary MRI's the way I like to "read" fetal ultrasounds. She looked at my previously "clean" MRI and said that in her lay opinion, it was anything BUT normal. As a favor, her neuro-radiologist also took a look at my MRI, and was so kind as to send back pictures with ARROWS of pituitary adenoma's and suspicious areas on my MRI to forward on to my endocrinologist. As it turns out, my doctor hadn't read the disc himself and had just read the report. He looked at the disc and agreed it was not normal, and sent me a message stating I needed a new MRI (it had been over a year at this point and my previous MRI still had some of that post-partum "rainbow" shape to the pituitary) and that it should be read by a neurosurgeon this time around. JOY OF JOYS! This brought me even more hope! He said SURGEON, not just himself...that meant I was getting so close to that diagnosis and surgery clearance --to getting help.
I scheduled my MRI trip (can't do a 3T dynamic here), and decided to schedule a face-to-face with my endocrinologist again while in the same city. NORD paid for the flights, reimbursed me for the cost of my doctor's appointment, paid for the MRI, and paid for my hotel room. My husband came with me this time, and it was the best doctor's appointment I've had in my life. I was still nervous that somehow it wasn't enough, or that the MRI done the day before my appointment would miraculously have become normal again. That was not the case. My MRI showed two adenomas on opposite sides of my pituitary amongst other things, and my 7+ diagnostic-level high labs were sufficient...and it felt AMAZING!
Who knew we'd be so excited to hear I was diagnosed with a deadly disease? That we'd shout for joy and clap our hands at finding multiple tumors in my head? I had a smile that wouldn't go away. The medical student shadowing my endocrinologist hadn't seen the diagnosis side, where patients are so relieved to have an end in sight, to finally be getting help and have a chance at getting better, that they are happy! I also wore my "Does my pituitary gland make me look fat?" shirt to this appointment, so we were joking, taking pictures, and having a grand old time. He gave me permission to share the picture of us, and without prompting pointed to my head for the next picture saying, "It's right HERE!" Dr. F is generally stoic, dealing with very ill people, with a very serious disease, and he is often their last hope at life...so I feel myself privileged to have had the opportunity to see him in-person for my diagnosis appointment, and to see this other side of him. I hope he felt our gratitude as well.
The "pick whose going to cut into your head" decision took a while. I was offered 100% coverage through a quality hospital and with a quality neurosurgeon for anything done at their facility, but the
endocrinologist there wanted me to start my testing process ALL over again with them, at my cost at
home. I was not willing to start over after all that hard work and with as quickly as I was
deteriorating, so I decided to wait till January when the new health coverage laws were in effect and I
could again get insurance without preexisting conditions clauses. I was able to be referred to my
first-choice of neurosurgeon's and am on Ketoconazole to help lower my cortisol while I wait. And it
just so happens that my brother-in-law has recently moved with his family to this large city and offered us a place to stay before/during/after surgery.
Keto has it's benefits and side effects, but I'm glad to be on it while I'm waiting. I feel like it is
giving me some practice for what things will feel like and when to act in the months following my
surgery. I won't get a set surgery date until January 2nd after my insurance is fully in effect, but my
surgery is penciled in for January 24th right now. I'll update after my surgery when I am able.
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