How are you?

Almost every time I am out in public, even multiple times in rapid succession, I get asked "How are you?" as a passing greeting.  I cannot tell you how much I have grown to hate that question.  And no, it isn't the question itself. 

Years ago my cousin had a very hard couple of months.  My father died and so did one of her friends from college, both unexpectedly and a short time from each other.  People would ask her "How are you doing?" all the time.  She disliked it as a standard greeting also and decided to answer with a blunt and truthful response; I can imagine some of the reactions that got from those unsuspecting souls.

When I was 20 years old a very dear friend of mine took his own life.  We'd met my sophomore year of college and despite having moved away (he had left on a mission for our church and I moved home to get my year of EMT experience required for paramedic school), he was my best friend and I held onto hopes of marrying him some day.  The months after his death were some of the hardest I've lived through and again I was repeatedly hit by that question: "How are you doing?"

Yes, I had the "Fine" answer well-practiced by age 20, but in my emotional state at that time it honestly made me feel worse to say I was "Fine" when I was anything but.  I felt isolated enough with few knowing what I was going through and that I was even hurting, why would I create a false front of happiness or well being?  Just to make others feel better?  And lets be honest --it was a lie I'd been telling, but I was not as brave as my cousin to just throw my emotional state out there for all to see.

I started answering the "How ya doin'?" greeting by saying "I'm alive." I don't know how or where I got the idea, but it was a great one.  See, it wasn't an answer in and of itself, really, but it was a tool by which I could sort out those who cared and were honestly asking from those who really were just using it as a passing address.  Those in the latter group would either miss the answer entirely as they went on about their business or give a little chuckle as if it were a joke.  Those who listened to my answer would stop and ask what that meant, and then I could decide how much and what to share of my actual state at that time knowing they cared and wanted to know.

See, while I really do feel the need for deep connections with people around me (and tend to talk too much), I am not interested in sharing the deeply emotional or personal details of my life with someone who doesn't want to hear them.  That can cause more hurt than not having someone to share with, I've learned.

I'm now in a situation yet again where I dread this question each time I leave home.  How do I answer?  I've been sick off and on for quite a while, but at some point shortly after Thanksgiving 2011 I had a downswing that I have yet to come back from.  I'm near bedridden energy-wise and have a long list of seemingly random symptoms, but I look like my usual self and people assume I am fine.  Do I tell the unsuspecting that my endocrinologist, an expert even among experts, is testing me for a pituitary stroke or tumor?  Do I tell them I'm "fine" since that is the answer they expect and is the fastest response?  It certainly requires the least of me up-front, but just like charging that credit card, it costs me more in the end. 

In February I took to answering that I was "About the same."  I have seen a small amount of improvement on thyroid medication, iron and vitamin D supplementation, but I didn't dare say I was feeling better because the assumption then is that I was back to normal again when reality is that I went from being constantly exhausted and bedridden to being able to talk and sing with the medications.  Now almost six weeks after delivering my daughter I'm actually able to walk around and do a little bit.  And by that I mean the things most take for granted, like clearing the table or making a no-prep lunch.  I still have to spend the majority of the day lying down or sitting and I've overdone it most days the last week or two because I've tried to do too much (it can have compounding effects causing me to be near bedridden again that evening or even for days afterwards).  So for the past week or so I've been answering "I feel like I can do things, until I try to actually do them."  I think it's funny, but I guess it isn't when you think about the reality of it.

Every now and then I'll play dumb and assume the other person knows something about what has been going on (usually in a more one-on-one situation) and give an update as to whether I've had my labs drawn, share that I just got back from my trip to LA to get the MRI, or speak of my upcoming phone consult to discuss test results. It is a sneaky way of informing others around me of what is going on but I am so tired of feeling alone and would love some encouragement or support.
I still get caught off guard at times and don't know how to answer.  Like Sunday morning at church while hanging up my kids' coats...I didn't answer at all because in the handful of seconds the one asking was within earshot, I hadn't figured out what to say.  Hopefully she didn't think I was beibg rude or ignoring her, I was actually concentrating on her question far more than most would...Sorry, Wendy.

I have high hopes of getting a diagnosis and then treatment, though the realistic expectation is that I will still be recovering for months to years after that point.  In time I hope that I can truthfully answer "How are you?" with a "Fine" or even a "GREAT!"  But for now when you ask me how I'm doing as you're passing me in a hall at church or...Hmm (aside from medical appointments that is about the only place I've gone in 5 months)...please either stop and listen attentively to the answer or don't ask at all.  I honestly don't want to be reminded of my current struggles over and over again, especially in public, and I am tired of faking it.