I woke up this morning, earlier than I'd like to, and couldn't stop thinking while I lay there trying to get back to sleep. What was on my mind first thing in the morning? Something I've been avoiding thinking about for a while...Traveling alone on my upcoming trip, and doing so with the help of wheelchairs at airports.
You see, there is a fat bias in our society, even fat shaming. If you are sick, it is because you are fat. If you are fat, it is because you are lazy and overeat (uneducated, ignorant, gluttonous, eat unhealthy foods, won't exercise, "let yourself go", have no respect for yourself, are selfish --take your pick). It couldn't be that your illness, which you couldn't have avoided, directly CAUSED your weight gain and energy loss! Oh, no! Granted, few know about this disease, but still the judgment hurts and really, should we be making these kinds of judgments about anyone? How sad that it's the norm for us to think of and treat others that way, regardless of the cause. I have a friend in a community that treats being overweight like it would leprosy --it's contagious, so openly shame and avoid those people! Some of the most awesome and amazing people I know are fat. Some of the most vile and despicable people I've met are skinny (and oft-times despite horrible diet and exercise habits). Have we completely forgotten that it's what's on the inside that count's?
So, like I said, I'm travelling alone. I have zero energy. I also happen to be quite obese for my short size. I cannot change either at the present, and I know because I've had the brain surgery to try to fix the cause, along with years of trying diets, lifestyle changes, exercise...everything that "they" say would work. It doesn't. I can't override a tumor sending hormones to EVERY cell in my body. I can only hope to remove it and it's insidious signals that are destroying my life.
As I ride through the airport in a wheelchair because I cannot walk for long distances or stand in a line for very long (like at the TSA check point), I am overly aware of the looks I get, some quite nasty, that even have come from the person driving the wheelchair. They don't know that I have a tumor, or that I had brain surgery 2 months ago. They don't know that my body has literally been eating it's own muscles and bones. What's worse is that even if they knew, experience tells me they won't care.
What if I want to get something from the food court before my flight leaves? Will they wheel me there? What if I want a pedicure at the airport while I wait? Is that too petty to warrant a stop? Will I have to walk the rest of the way then? Honestly, I feel awful that I'd even have to ask. Will people glare at me even more because I was wheeled to the gate entrance, but later walked to the restroom and back on my own without any outward sign of disability? Yes, they do that too. Heck, even the DAY I was released from the hospital after having my surgery, I rode in a little handicap cart because we needed to buy food (and Gatorade!) and I didn't want to sit in a hot car alone. People gave me nasty looks then too (not all, obviously, but it's hard to ignore the ones that do). If I'd had the energy, I'd have happily told them to shove it, I'd had brain surgery 3 days before, but again, they wouldn't have cared and I'd have just wasted more of my precious energy (that's not figurative!).
And worse yet, I know that by saying all this it will still get put back on me...because that is what always happens. I get told that *I* need to be the bigger person. (Ha ha! Is that a pun? Ugh.) That I need to stop caring what others think of me. That I need to be happy and friendly despite people that don't even know me treating me so awfully, everywhere I go. And that I need to expend the extra energy to prove them wrong. Somehow fixing/changing it is all on me. Well, you know what, I do NOT have the energy for any of that. That is not an understatement or me being lazy. I.DO.NOT. So, for once judgmental people, YOU be the bigger person.
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